


Stones on a Lake

by cytheriafalas



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments (Movies), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Character death if you choose to read it that way, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-14 23:04:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9209375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cytheriafalas/pseuds/cytheriafalas
Summary: Alec's been hurt. Remembered Alec/Jace, present Alec/Magnus. Flashbacks, stream of consciousness. Set at no particular point in either the books or the TV show. Or the movie, so tagged in all three. I'm a bad person.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just... a bad person. But it's all in how you read it.
> 
> Idk how I always forget to mention this. Find me at [Fangirling Tendencies](http://www.fangirlingtendencies.tumblr.com)
> 
> The companion piece everyone is asking for is here. [Dry Ground](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9260465)

There had been a time in Alec’s life where dying hadn't been an issue. He hadn't been afraid of it, only a bit regretful about leaving Izzy alone, but to be a Shadowhunter was to face your death and know it when it came. There had been times where regret wouldn't have been enough to keep him alive, the darkest moments where even Jace, his parabatai, the agony he would have felt at Alec’s death, none of that would have been enough to keep him alive. Whether it was luck or fate or the guidance of some greater power, Alec had never faced a battle at those darkest moments alone. He’d been with his sister or his brother or another Shadowhunter, and Alec was never selfish enough to slip up while someone else’s life was on the line.

_Alec blinked._

He remembered once, the closest he'd gotten, only a few weeks before Clary, before… before Magnus. He’d been out with Jace. It had been a warm night. He remembered sweating in his jacket, the bow strung over his shoulder. Alec had gotten word from his mother, another strike against his reputation. His perfection not perfect enough.

_Alec drew in a sharp breath._

Jace had been Jace. Three parts attitude and one part a broken boy who only Alec got to see. Alec loved him for it. Loved him for everything he was, and everything he wasn't.

He’d been angry that night, and Alec was soothing him the way only Jace could be soothed. He brought him out for some fights to burn the edge off his anger, and then, later, he could sort Jace out and bring him back to some balance. But Alec’s heart wasn't in it. His heart wanted him to be back inside the Institute, alone, where he didn't have to be perfect, didn't have to be Jace’s foil in every way. The dark to his light, the serenity to his passion, the Law to his justice.

_Alec’s hand slipped in the mud beneath him, dropping him back to the earth on his stomach._

A demon of some sort. Alec couldn't remember what kind. A lesser one, one Jace wouldn't have needed him for on his worst of days, and definitely not one he needed Alec for when he was burning. Alec had been a heartbeat too slow in drawing his bow. He’d hesitated a moment too long, missed the second demon’s approach just after the first one died. 

It had felt like getting pummeled by Hodge when he should have known better. It had felt like running full-tilt into a steel rod. He hadn't even managed to make a sound as his bow went clattering away from him. 

“Alec!”

_“Alec!”_

For a moment, Alec had let his eyes close. There was a welcome darkness there, beyond the ache in his skull and the crushing agony in his ribs. He’d hit the pavement hard. His head had bounced off something. He could have let it be. The demon was there; he could smell its putrid breath. Knocked unconscious, too dazed to fight back. No amount of training would have overcome that.

_Splashing. Something white-hot in his blood._

It had been Jace’s panicked cry. The desperation in his voice. That had been enough to rouse him, give him the strength to shove the demon back, gain his feet, find his blade.

It was an easy kill. Jace crashing into him from behind had made it worth it. Jace’s hands checking him for injury, feeling for blood and finding none. Jace’s whispered “I don't know what I would do without you” and “Alec, please.” 

“I’m fine. I'm fine. I just need a minute.”

_“I’m fine.”_

_“Bullshit, you're not.”_

They’d sat on a park bench until he felt strong enough to let Jace heal him. There was something about concussions that had always been hard to come back from. And he didn't want to come back; not yet. The fuzziness in his head was a gentle barrier between—I fucked up; I could have done it and I can’t breathe, Jace, help me—but even Jace would only have waited so long with Alec wheezing every breath. 

_“Jace, help me.”_

_“I'm here. I'm here. I need a stele!”_

Physically fine, Alec had still been given a few days off after the incident. It was quiet anyway, as though the Downworlders were holding their breath for something. For Clary’s eighteenth birthday. But it wasn't ominous or portentous at the time. It had just been quiet.

He’d spent two days in bed, torn between shame that he’d nearly let a demon tear him to pieces and shame that he hadn't let a demon tear him to pieces. Izzy sat with him, sometimes beside his bed, sometimes beside him and cradling him in her arms, the runes locking his door—locking Jace out—overkill, but necessary for his own comfort in his weakness.

_“Where’s—damn it, where’s Magnus?”_

Magnus. Magnus had been the only light in Alec’s life in so long.

_Alec tried to open his eyes. He was so tired. When had he closed his eyes?_

From the beginning, from the moment Alec first met Magnus’s eyes, it had been inevitable. He still loved Jace fiercely, loved his parabatai, but compared to Magnus, what he'd felt for Jace had been a shadow, an unobtainable holy grail meant only to keep him questing.

_“Alec, no. Alec, please! Please, please, brother. My parabatai, Alec, please.”_

Magnus had been so patient with Alec, with his many faults. He was perfect at so many things, but not at this. Not at love. Not at relationships. 

But he’d known when to push and when to take Alec by the hand in the quiet security of his loft. When to cup Alec’s cheek and when to wait for Alec to reach for him, which he did so rarely. He should have reached out for him more. He would never reach for him again, now. 

_“I'm scared.”_

_“I'm here, Alec. Magnus is coming. Don't be scared, Alec. Please, stay with me. Brother, please.”_

Jace had Clary. Izzy had family, had Jace. Magnus… Magnus had no one, and Alec was so tired. 

His thoughts scattered across his mind. Stones on a lake. Alec drew in a sharp breath. 

_Hands. Hands on his chest. A voice shouting his name. Dark. Light. Cold. Warmth. Pain. Painpainpainpainpain._

_His mother’s voice?_

_“Come back to me, Alexander.”_

He had wanted to die and lived. 

_“It’s going to be okay.”_

Now he wanted to live and he was going to die. 


End file.
